The Magic in the Messy Middle: Parenting, ADHD, and the Power of Showing Up
Date: April 9, 2026
I have a friend with ADHD, her name is Andrea. She’s not just any friend—she’s the kind of friend who feels more like family. We’ve raised our kids together, worked on projects and in theaters together, and walked each other through divorce, heartache, joy, and triumph. If you know Andrea, you know she lives life in full color, and if I’m honest, she’s taught me as much about living as anyone ever has. I hope I’ve returned the favor.
If there’s one thing I admire most about Andrea, it’s this: she’s never afraid to ask for help, never apologetic about a misstep, and always honest about where she’s at. I’ve wanted to write about ADHD and parenting for a while, but I didn’t feel qualified. I didn’t want to get it wrong, so I did what Andrea would do: I asked for help. I asked Andrea (and her husband, Dave) to share their story, in their own words, because the way they say things is better than anything I could write on my own.
When I was a kid, no one really talked about ADHD. Even when I first met Andrea, it just wasn’t on my radar. It wasn’t until years later—when her son, and then she herself, were diagnosed—that I started to understand what it really meant. Andrea once told me, “Imagine your brain has a secretary who files things and keeps you organized. In my brain, there’s no secretary—everything just piles up.” That image stuck with me, and it gave me new eyes when I became a teacher. Suddenly, I could see my students’ struggles, and I felt more confident reaching out to help.
Here’s the thing about Andrea: she’s not just managing her own ADHD; she’s parenting kids who have it, too. And then there’s Dave—every family needs a Dave. He’s that steady, practical, gentle presence, the guy who quietly takes on the tasks that drain Andrea and the kids, so they have enough left for what matters.
Watching Andrea and her family has changed how I see ADHD, patience, and support. We’ve worked together for years, sometimes in sync, sometimes completely differently. In the process, I’ve learned to be patient—not just with her, but with myself and others. Supporting her has always felt easy, even when things were hard. I think that’s what happens when you share a lot of life with someone; their strengths help you grow yours.
Now, in their own words, here’s Andrea and Dave’s story—what they’ve learned, how they make things work, and the hope they’ve found as a family.
Andrea’s Answers
When did you first suspect you had ADHD, and what was it like to receive a diagnosis as an adult?
I never suspected it. I didn’t know anything about how ADHD often presents in females, so I identified more with labels like spacey, flaky, talkative, sloppy, and forgetful than I did with concepts like ADHD. But from the moment someone pointed out the possibility to the time of my diagnosis was less than a month. Interestingly, it was mom who first suggested it. After listening to me relate to a student of hers with diagnosed ADHD and sharing a the story of how I used to take silly putty to all my classes when I was earning my masters in education, she pulled me aside. She said, “Andrea, I don’t know how I missed it, but I think you have ADHD.”
As for getting diagnosed as an adult, all I can say is that it changed everything. It took me a couple of years to sort out all the different areas of my life that my ADHD had been affecting. And one by one, I was able to learn healthier coping skills, build in support strategies, or just accept that certain things will always be hard for me and learn how to be honest about it and ask for help. I’m fortunate that I was always pretty capable of reaching my goals, even with ADHD. But the biggest difference now is that I can do it without being so incredibly exhausted all the time.
How did your understanding of ADHD change after your own diagnosis?
When I was able to compare what my brain feels like on the inside to what I read in articles, I was able to understand that ADHD is so much more than what people see on the outside. It’s diagnosed by the behaviors that others can observe, so that’s what people are most familiar with. People think of the hyperactivity as always being on the outside. A boy in class that can’t hold still. Now I know that it can be profoundly internal. A restlessness that never goes away, whether others can see it or not.
What have been the biggest challenges in parenting kids with ADHD, and how do you manage your own symptoms at the same time?
It’s no cake walk, I’ll tell you that. I think the biggest challenge is not making it about me. I have to trust that my kids are doing the best they can with the skills they have, and meet them there. Every time. And that gets exhausting. It’s not easy to look at a human walking around in an 18 year old’s body and remember that he’s got a 12 year old executive operating his prefrontal cortex. As far as managing my own symptoms, too, well – I don’t do that alone. We talk about our “executive function tanks” all the time at home, and I monitor mine closely. It’s a finite system, and when it’s empty, it’s empty. I give everything I have to the kids and to my job. And I’m able to do that because Dave makes sure I never have to spend it on things like remembering to feed the dog or get the mail or feed myself.
I’m also committed to bringing every tool and skill I have to every situation. For me, that means using stimulant medication as my front line tool. If I need to take care of anyone beyond myself, I need to be medicated. That’s just how it is.
Can you share any strategies or routines that have helped your family thrive?
I can share so many! But I’ll choose just a few. First, we use a lot of technology to automate reminders and routines. “Hey Google, set a timer for five minutes” is quite possibly the most frequently uttered phrase in our home. We rely on habit stacking a lot, which means if there is something new you need to do, attach it to something you’re already successfully doing. I finally learned to consistently brush my teeth by attaching it to taking a shower. Anytime I shower, I brush my teeth right after. Does that mean I brush as often as the dentist recommends? Nope. But it’s a whole lot better than it used to be.
A favorite strategy of mine is that if we need to do something boring, we make it more challenging. Cleaning the house on roller skates. Doing awful paperwork or homework on the roof. It’s weird. But it works.
What do you wish you had known earlier about ADHD and parenting?
I wish I would have understood the “wall of awful” concept sooner. Basically, it’s really easy for people with ADHD to develop a strong resistance to things that feel hard or that have not gone well for them in the past. And once the wall is there, it makes even trying to do that thing in the future nearly impossible. The most surefire way to get through a wall of awful is to “Hulk smash” through it. But it’s also the most destructive way. I pushed my son to hulk smash through his walls of awful for too many years. I wish I had learned earlier how to help him build in the handholds or put a door in the wall. (Definitely read more about the from Brendan Mahan. This will all make more sense.)
How do you handle days when everything feels overwhelming?
Real answer? Not very well. And I usually can’t get through it alone. But a good first start for me is always to make a list. Usually when I am overwhelmed it is because my brain is so loud. All my thoughts are swirling, and I lose all ability to prioritize. But if I can get it on the outside, I can start the work of breaking it down. That’s IF my executive function tank isn’t empty and IF I have enough dopamine. If I’m overwhelmed and empty, then the focus absolutely has to be on filling me back up first.
What’s one thing you want other parents with ADHD to know?
That it really is as hard as they feel like it is. They aren’t broken. And no, it isn’t just that everyone else handles the hard better than they do. Their challenges are real, and their support and strategies need to be, too.
Were there moments when you doubted things would get easier? How did you get through them?
Actually, I fully embrace that it will never get easier. If you need glasses, you’ll always need glasses. That doesn’t get easier. You don’t get better at seeing. You wear your glasses every day, and you can see. That’s how it works. If you have ADHD, you do what works. And you do it every day. And it really doesn’t get easier. You can get better at things by developing new systems to support yourself, but the systems take work, too. So you just kind of choose what kind of hard you’re willing to have, and you embrace it.
There are things, though, that I have chosen to let go because they are simply more work than they are worth to me. I guess that’s how I get through the hardest moments; I take the time to evaluate my why, and let it go if it turns out to have fake consequences. I do a lot of things differently than my peers. When I choose to do things in the weird ways that work well for me, then I’m at least not swimming upstream.
Are there resources (books, support groups, therapies) that made a difference for your family?
The YouTube channel How to ADHD was a great place for me to start to learn the vocabulary of ADHD. Then once I learned a concept in Jessica McCabe’s accessible way, I’d read about it at a higher level. Dr. Russell Barkley is my favorite expert. He explains things in a way that is very straight. He doesn’t sugarcoat it. He doesn’t pretend like ADHD is a strength 100% of the time, but he also doesn’t act like people with ADHD are less than or broken.
What’s one myth or misconception about ADHD you wish you could correct for other parents?
There’s nothing specific I’d correct, per se. There’s a lot of experts that contradict each other on a lot of things, so I don’t know that I’d say that there’s much that’s definitively wrong. But the perspective I find myself reiterating the most frequently is that reminder about executive function age. It really does get under my skin when people hold their ADHD loved ones to a standard that just isn’t developmentally appropriate for them.
How do you find moments of joy or connection, even on tough days?
I have a few go-tos that make my brain feel healthy and almost always work. Sitting in the sun next to running water always does the trick. Antique stores also work. Basically, it takes something that can override the loudness of my brain and lull it into a contented state. Both of these activities do that for me. My kids have their things that work, too. For Alex, we give him eggs and let him throw them at a tree. Yes, really. For Dylan, it’s probably spending time with his dog.
Dave’s Answers
What was it like stepping into a family where ADHD was part of daily life?
I had to learn some new skills very fast. It also made concrete something that I had previously not really believed in. I always thought ADHD was an excuse for kids who were uncontrollably energetic and rambunctious with poor discipline. Seeing how the energy can be altered and controlled with a few purposeful changes made me realize that this a legit diagnosis.
How do you support Andrea and the kids practically and emotionally?
Practical things I have learned include breaking down tasks into small steps, giving plenty of breaks, and rewards for accomplishing them. Emotional support can require additional patience, body doubling for boring or undesirable tasks, or providing a treat to give a little extra dopamine when needed.
Are there specific routines or approaches you use that help keep things running smoothly?
I take on as many of the nonpreferred tasks such as cooking and laundry as I can. Those kinds of things are a big dopamine drain, and by taking them on, Andrea and the kids have enough left over to accomplish what they need or want. It’s not that Andrea and the kids need me to do everything, but there are definitely some things that would cost them so much to do, and it costs me very little.
What have you learned about ADHD through your family experience?
It’s real. And with time and effort and close attention, it can be successfully managed. It can also be a great benefit. ADHD brains can accomplish a lot if given the right environment. Sometimes the environment is silly or ridiculous, but it works.
What would you say to partners or co-parents who feel lost or frustrated?
I would ask what their biggest frustrations are, and I’d try to help them determine the cause. Is their ADHDer unable to complete a task? Maybe it’s too big and overwhelming. Are they forgetful? Maybe they need a system to help overcome that. I’d remind them to be willing to forgive and forget things of little to no consequence. I don’t get bothered if Andrea forgets my birthday. In the scheme of things, is it that important?
Are there small changes or mindsets that have made a big difference in supporting Andrea and the kids?
I’ve learned not to be surprised by anything. I could come home to the furniture rearranged or the walls painted. Hypothetically, my truck might be used as a step stool to climb onto the roof, and my wife might be jumping onto the mattresses below. I could ask “why” to any number of strange things I see in my house. But I don’t. Because the why doesn’t matter. If the ADHD brains I live with are happy and healthy, then I’m happy. I’ve learned to let them follow the dopamine.
What advice would you give to other partners in similar situations?
You may have to come up with ten different ways to accomplish the same thing. Some completely inefficient or ridiculous. What worked yesterday might not work today. I’d also say not to be afraid of recommending medication in the arsenal of tools. It’s okay to need that support to accomplish hard things. In the end, anything you can do to work with your ADHDer rather than making it feel like you vs them is going to be a good thing.
The Power of Showing Up: Why the Messy Middle Is Where the Magic Happens
In families like Andrea’s, chaos and connection come together, and honestly, it’s in the mess that you find the magic. What I love most is the way they lean into what makes them different—not pretending things will get easier, but getting better at finding what works, letting go of what doesn’t, and, when things get overwhelming (which happens a lot), making a list, taking a breath, and giving each other a little more grace
.One of the most beautiful things I’ve witnessed is how Andrea’s family blends their differences—neurotypical or neurodiverse, they make it work by asking for help and offering it, even when no one else sees the need. They’re some of the most compassionate people I know, and my life (and my kids’ lives) are better for having them in it. If you’re a parent who feels isolated or judged because of your child’s struggles, you’re not alone. I’ve felt that way, too. Don’t give up—you’re doing great, and with practice, you’ll find your way. I’ve seen growth and change in Andrea’s family, and I know there’s hope for yours, too.
If you’re parenting a child with ADHD—or you have it yourself—I hope you hear this: you’re not broken. Your family isn’t failing because things are hard, or because you do things differently. You are the difference-maker, just by showing up and trying again, day after day.
There are days when you’ll lose your cool, days when you’ll wonder if you’re making any difference at all. But every time you show up, every time you laugh instead of yell, every time you choose creativity over control—you’re writing a story your kids will remember. You’re teaching them to ask for help, to celebrate what makes them unique, and to love themselves—quirks and all.
Families like Andrea’s remind me that growth isn’t about becoming perfect; it’s about becoming more yourself, together. So if you’re feeling lost, judged, or worn out, let this be your invitation: turn up your favorite song, find a moment of joy (even if it’s throwing eggs at a tree), and know that you’re not alone. You—and your beautiful, chaotic, creative family—are exactly where you need to be.
And in case nobody’s told you today: you’re doing an amazing job. Keep going. The magic is in the messy middle.
